


There Are Better Places To Have This Talk (But They Aren't As Funny)

by ThunderStag



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Finn will be ok, Gen, Humor, Kylo Ren more like Crylo Ben amirite, Kylo's scar is so dumb, Mental Contact, Mockery of a man who thinks he's very important, Story Pending Maybe, That stain upon the galaxy makes me so mad, That's not how meditation works
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-10 19:37:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18414503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThunderStag/pseuds/ThunderStag
Summary: Ben might need to rethink this whole 'mental contact until she breaks and admits he should be his teacher' thing. If nothing else, it might make all the ghosts go away.





	There Are Better Places To Have This Talk (But They Aren't As Funny)

**Author's Note:**

> I have a deep and abiding distaste for Kylo Ren. He's not interesting, he's not as cool as Darth Vader, and somehow people manage to think Rey should care about him at all. This is basically how the Last Jedi would have started if I was directing it; I don't know if I'll post other stuff from this loose collection on here, but we'll see. Enjoy!

Ben starts to wonder if he’s maybe bitten off more than he can chew when his fourth attempt at contacting the girl in whatever hole she’s crawled into ends with him flat on his back and the mental image of his father’s Wookie dancing a traditional Naboo mating dance with his old master inescapably seared into his eyeballs. This is better than last night, which had been the memory of the time he convinced himself that the best Jedi lived in Nature all the time and gotten covered from head to toe in tree sap and mud – at the age of sixteen. This is not how it’s supposed to go. He’s supposed to be a blight on her consciousness, worming into her mind and heart night after night as she struggles to closer herself to him, before she eventually realizes that they were always meant to –

  
“Hey, Ben!” she calls cheerfully. He jerks upright, spinning on the floor to find her standing behind him, hazy and indistinct. “Oh man, this is way easier than you made it look! I’m just meditating, I’m not even trying to reach you. Look at that!” Then she reaches behind him, somehow, despite being several feet away, and a form stumbles out from where it was apparently lurking behind him. It’s that infernal stormtrooper, the one with the ridiculous jacket, whose spine he’d severed. Probably severed.

  
“Uh,” he says, uncertain. The trooper, not Ben. Ben hasn’t been uncertain in a long time. “Am I supposed to be here?”

  
That’s when his old master appears. “Rey, you’re supposed to be focusing on the immediate Force. Appearing before your close friends and enemies comes later. Who are you?” This last is directed at the stormtrooper.

  
“Why should I care?” he demands. Nobody pays attention.

 

“Finn,” the trooper says. “My name is Finn, and I’m free. Right?”

  
“Oh man,” Luke says. He sounds weirdly like the girl had a moment before. “That’s up to you, but the answer is pretty much yes if you’re asking it after having not been.”

  
“That makes sense. Like how it’s not true if you were sure you were and now you aren’t? Like him?” Now the trooper is paying attention to him, and fury rises up.  
“I AM FREE!” he roars. They don’t pay attention again.

 

“Yes, exactly. Where are you? I should show you Tatooine poetry, I bet you’d get it.”

  
“I’m not sure. I can’t wake up, and I felt this weird energy I recognized and came to find it, and I’ve seen this guy break, like, thirty computer stations in the last few days.”

  
It hadn’t been thirty. Twenty-five, at most. He’d lost a battle and gotten a stupid scar, which wasn’t even cool. He deserved to let loose a little.

  
“Oh, he’s with the Resistance!” Rey says cheerfully. “I left him there when I went to find you, because Ben tried to cut through his spine.”

  
“That’s rude,” Luke says. “Ben, it’s rude to cut through people’s spines and kill your father. I thought we raised you better than that.”

  
“YOU DIDN’T RAISE ME AT ALL!” Ben screams at him, fury boiling over, and Luke rolls his eyes.

  
“Don’t pull that nonsense, you know you literally always had a parental figure on hand to help you work through your issues.” Ben opens his mouth to argue, and Luke says conspiratorially, “he thinks he gets a free pass on being angsty and sad because he didn’t tell us about his imaginary friend who turned out to be an evil mastermind and then blew up a temple full of young Jedi.”

  
“Your imaginary friend turned out to be an evil mastermind?” the trooper asks. “That’s too bad. Mine was a nice clone from the Clone Wars!”

  
“Mine was Luke, projecting his consciousness into the past to make sure I knew not to activate plasma cannons in confined spaces and stuff,” Rey says cheerfully. “He let me handle everything else, though.”

  
“You were very independent.”

  
“Thank you!”

  
“Mine just made sure my aim wasn’t bad. And he taught me to spin-kick stuff. Can I still do that if my spine is severed?”

  
“Oh, they can fix that,” Luke says. “I had a friend in the Rogues – are the Rogues still around?” Rey nods. “I had a friend in the Rogues when I was younger. He didn’t have any of his original limbs because he kept crashing. When he finally broke his back trying to fly backwards through a nebula, they made him a new one and it gave him thermal vision.”

  
“That sounds pretty cool,” Finn agrees, and what kind of nonsense is this, Ben can’t even force himself to think of the faceless trooper as a faceless trooper.

  
“Wish we’d had access to that when I was a padawan,” a new voice says, and a short, muscular man with a craggy face and a thick, nearly-blue beard is suddenly there. “My master got his eyes sliced out by a creepy Sith. I bet they could use that to fix that kind of thing.”

  
“They had that tech when Kanan got hurt, Ezra,” another voice says, and this time it’s a slightly above middle-aged Togruta in white robes, her sheer presence only comparable to Ben’s mother. “He just decided to use it as an object lesson and learn to deal without it. Hera told me most people forgot about it by the time he died, except that he gave himself that weird haircut and it was easier to focus on the eyes.”

  
“Master Ezra!” Luke says happily. “Ahsoka! Did you find everyone?”

  
“Yep,” Ahsoka says. “All the lost padawans your nephew thought he’d killed, minus a few who decided to go off and do other stuff. I think Kyra wants to be my padawan.”

  
“You don’t do padawans.”

  
“Tell her that.”

  
Finn blinks, suddenly, and says, “I think I’m starting to get something. I might be waking up?”

  
“Oh, good!” Rey says happily. “I guess they fixed your spine. Ask for laser eyes!”

  
“Will do. Hey, how do I call you back?” Then he’s gone.

  
“We’ll figure it out when he falls asleep next,” Luke assures Rey, who had looked worried for a moment.

  
“GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” Ben screams, feeling like they’ve spent too long not talking to him, and activates his lightsaber. “NONE OF YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CONTEST ME! THE FIRST ORDER WILL PREVAIL!”

  
“Amazing,” says Rey.

  
“Everything you just said was completely wrong,” Luke tells him. Then everyone is gone, and Ben is alone with his grandfather’s useless mask and a stupid scar that doesn’t even have the decency to look cool.


End file.
